preheat oven to around 425ish degree (the knob with all the numbers on it is missing, so just guess)
unwrap pizza, but save cardboard circle.
open the alarm clock program on your puter, use the timer that you saved last week, when you were cooking frozen enchiladas.
realize just in time that, when you set up that timer last week, you had mistaken hours for minutes. Run downstairs to see if it's burned yet (tripping over empty beer bottles on the way is optional)
Lucky you! pizza is cooked perfectly! Use cardboard circle to remove pizza from hot oven.
Cut pizza in random shapes, since you have noone to share with.
Cry into beer, while eating delicious (and perfectly cooked!) pizza.
wake up twelve hours later, when alarm goes off. Be glad you don't have to work, since you were laid off last night.
Vomit pizza into toilet, try to remember what you did last night, pray you didn't say anything stupid on the internet.
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